GHC

GHC (Geography, History and Civics) in Kenyan Primary Schools kinda sucked. Not only was it boring, it was also too wide. Getting a 40 and above out of 60 was quite an achievement. I wonder how I got by without ever getting to know what was cutting with half of the vast chapters on colonial rule in Africa. Here is a list of some of the people you had to know in and out to pass:

- Lobengula
- Nabongo Mumia
- Kinjikitile Ngwale
- Koitalel arap Samoei
- Masaku
- Lenana and on and on
You had to know about the Khoisan, the Shona and the Ndebele, Leopard's Kopje culture, the Empire of Mone Motapa and the climatic conditions and soils that favour coffee, tea, pyrethrum, cotton, sisal and you still weren't done. You did rubber in Liberia, cocoa in Ghana and fishing in Japan.

I guess it paid off, we learned that the higher you go the cooler it becomes. My most amazing GHC moment was in lower primary when it was revealed to me that we live on and not in the earth!I'd always pictured humanity living happily inside a spherical body but not on it. I was in disbelief and wondered how the people at the bottom of the sphere don't fall off and how the Nile flows 'upwards' from Lake Victoria to the Mediterranean. Thankfully, those were answered and I have since moved on to questions of greater importance, such as why my GHC teacher only had long hair behind her ears.

Homework: What were the four waves of the migration of the Luo into Kenya?

Mahoka

One of my favourite programs on KBC TV was Mahoka. The most fascinating thing about the program was the names of the characters. Each had a cocktail of four or five names. You may remember some of them:

- Chapuo Chepeo Chap Chap Mla Chake
- Kwapuo kwap kwap mla chao
- Shombo shombora simba wa mji wa macho
- Sir James Chuck Norris Lord Carrington 360, 4,4,3 Magegania Boy

Mahoka was, if I remember correctly, the first Kenyan comedy to play canned laughter during the program. It would appear that they did not record varying vichekos but would play the same one at intervals of 1 min as the show went on, never mind if anything funny had been said or not.

Anyways, I loved Mahoka, Shombo with his famous stinking boots, Kwapuo going to Greece(Greki as they pronounced it) and Sir James with his silly glasses.

Chapuo once had a nice chit chatted with a beautiful stranger at the bus stop. The girl told the blushing Chapuo 'Haya basi korombo' as she boarded a bus. Chapuo happily recounted the story to his friends only to be told that 'Korombo' was a horrible insult. Chapuo made his way back to the now deserted bus stop and began yelling in the direction the bus had headed half an hour earlier 'Msichana wa saa zile, korombo ni wewe na watu wenyu, na mifugo yenyu...' and on and on.

Break Time

The 10.15am bell in Primo used to usher in break time, half an hour of unbridled fun and games. This was the time for kati, blada, shake, icho, hide and seek (aka brikicho) and the works. There was no better time to hit the loos without having to 'Please teacher can I go the toilet?' only to get 'Yes you can but you may not'.

Those were the days when three shillings could buy break time snacks and to spare. In many primos, mine included, the highlight of break time was relishing a red or green kashata, goody goody, britania or mabuyu. The most annoying thing was when other kids doead your break and plagued you with incessant 'nimosh!' and 'yes durus', just as you were about to consume a snack. Usually, throwing it quickly in the mouth and saying 'nishapaka mate' or just shouting 'no durus' way in advance usually worked just fine.

Anyways, we used to eat our britanias, or brits, in a slow, methodical way; first would be to gnaw away the patterned edges all around the word 'britania'. Then we would eat each letter one by one, spelling the new word as we went along; 'britani', 'britan', 'brita', all the way until the biscuit was finished. As for mabuyus, the real fun would start after break time when the well eaten pod would be rubbed vigorously on the floor until shiny and hot, then placed on the 'squawks' or neck of unsuspecting classmates. The squeal of pain elicited was delightful!

Maziwa ya Nyayo

Whenever the truck bringing crates of 'maziwa ya Nyayo' rolled into the school compound, squeals of delight interrupted the lesson and indeed, the entire school turned its focus to the distribution and drinking of 'maziwa ya nyayo'. Corruption was rife with prefects, teachers and upper primary kids stashing away more packets for themselves, some for drinking and in the case of teachers, some for making tea at home.

My friends from mixed primos tell me that the boys only wanted packets with the image of boys playing boxing, while girls only wanted packets with an image of girls playing netball. It was very embarrassing if you got a packet with an image of the opposite sex and one could even cry or be teased about it. I hear that in certain schools, smashing packets of 'maziwa ya nyayo' on the heads of classmates was a sport of great delight.

Alas! Those days are gone... or are they? Rumour has it that the school milk program may be reintroduced. Perhaps this time they will call it 'maziwa ya kibz'.

Primary English

Do you recall the climb up Primary School so aptly represented by the boy and girl taking a step each year on the cover of Primary English?

For many young people, that journey began with 'Hallo Children', your first English textbook. 'Like a lot of my friends, Hallo Children enthralled us with the mundane lives of Mr. Kamau, Mrs. Kamau and their children Tom, Mary and Peter. They were all speaking to us and saying, Hallo Children! As we would later learn, Mr. Kamau was a bus driver, Mrs. Kamau gave him a banana for breakfast, Mary was lazy and could not be woken up by countless domestic animals, Tom was prone to loosing pencils and Peter, the baby, loved playing with ink.

Then came 'Read with us' in standard two where Tom, Mary and their friends eat some grass soup and get awfully sick. Compelling eh?

We eventually moved on to 'New Friends' in class three.......things get hazy and muda si muda, we are almost 'Stepping Out' in class 8. Over the years debates happen, horrific dreams are retold and Mbogori cooks lunch.

The Loyalty Pledge

Didn't we all mumble the lines at assembly whenever Mrs. so and so in her shrill voice called out, 'The loyalty pledge...':

"I pledge my loyalty to the President and Nation of Kenya
My readiness and duty to defend the flag of our Republic
My life, strength and service in the task of nation building
In the living spirit embodied in our National motto 'Harambee'
and perpetuated in the Nyayo philosophy of Peace, Love and Unity."

I thought that this stuff had been scrapped by now, for obvious reasons, but it turns out that the 'loyalty pledge' is alive and well in Primary Schools to this day.

Nyanyako Star

Disgraceful as it may be, grandmothers were a necessary and very effective ingredient in childhood taunts. Innocent grandmothers found themselves at the heart of barbs such as 'Nyanyako kibogoyo lakini kwa kukula mifupa mwachie' and 'Nyanyako kaguru lakini kwa kudandia lorry mwachie'. The very best was a song composed specifically to jeer at friends and foes whenever the need arose, and you guessed it, granny was its subject. It went like this:

Nyanyako star! Star!
Anakula fish! Fish!
Uji na koo! Koo!
Ananyamba tiririiiiiii riii riiii riiiii
Ghostbusters!